My quick rating – 3.9/10. You know you’re in for a ride when a movie called Popeye the Slayer Man kicks off with a healthy dose of low-budget blood geysers and practical intestines that look like they were stolen from a Halloween clearance bin. A curious group of friends sneak into an abandoned spinach canning factory (because of course they do) to film a documentary on the legendary “Sailor Man,” who’s said to haunt the docks and factory. I’m pretty sure the only real urban legend here was how the filmmakers scored a free filming location by picking a place no one gave two soggy cans of spinach about.
As expected, it doesn’t take long for the brain trust to split up, despite one girl actually having a working frontal lobe and suggesting maybe they stick together. But no, Head Dipshit confidently assures the group, “Don’t worry, if someone is killing you, just scream, we’ll come and find you.” Spoiler: they don’t. Shockingly, shouting over loud industrial echoes and horror music doesn’t save anybody.
Speaking of realism, I’m no forensic scientist, but I’m pretty sure you can’t scalp a woman just by tugging on a fistful of hair like you’re plucking a dandelion. But hey, Sailor Man’s got those superhuman Popeye arms, right? Or at least he would if you could understand a damn thing he says. Jason Robert Stephens gives it his all under what looks like a cursed Spirit Halloween Popeye costume, but when he opens his mouth, it’s pure drunken seagull noises. Subtitles would’ve been nice, but maybe it’s better this way.
Director Robert Michael Ryan tries to wrangle this spinach-flavored chaos into something resembling a coherent story, but the plot is so thin you could squeeze it through a can opener. At least it’s a step up from Popeye’s Revenge — although, honestly, you could trip and fall over a better movie than Popeye’s Revenge.
Special shoutout to the many triple-name cast members (Marie-Louise Boisnier, I’m looking at you). Always a solid serial killer movie vibe when half the credits sound like court depositions.
Despite all its flaws, and they are legion, Popeye the Slayer Man isn’t a total waste of time. The kills are serviceable, they mercifully avoided CGI nonsense, and the general slasher chaos is mildly entertaining if you don’t ask for much. The story tried… kinda. But by the end, I wasn’t mad. Just confused, a little amused, and grateful it didn’t end with a “To Be Continued.”
Final verdict: Eat your spinach, but maybe skip this can.
Limited choices for streaming this one but fret not, Amazon has it.