My quick rating – 5.7/10. Heart Eyes is one of those movies that you forget about on your watchlist until the algorithm politely (and aggressively) reminds you, “Hey, remember this one with the guy stabbing lovers in the face?” And so, out of curiosity and mild guilt, you hit play.
To its credit, this slasher doesn’t waste time—no slow-burn nonsense here. Within the first five minutes, somebody’s already dying, and not in a metaphorical, “they didn’t text back” kind of way. No, this is classic stabby-stabby Valentine’s Day horror, and briefly, it feels like we’re about to get a bloody gem.
And then the movie decides to take a detour. A long one. For about thirty minutes, Heart Eyes becomes something like Clueless crash-landing into Anyone But You, if those movies had been hijacked by someone who watched exactly half of Scream and thought, “I could do that, but what if it was also kind of a Hallmark movie?” Our two leads, who are not a couple, and remind us of that more often than the killer needs, are mistaken as romantic partners by the so-called “Heart Eyes Killer,” who has a flair for symbolism and stabbing anyone who celebrates love in public.
After another attack jolts the movie awake, we enter a long and overly dramatic interlude about how maybe—just maybe—the cops arrested the wrong guy. Whoopsie-daisy. The tension dips, the momentum stumbles, and you might find yourself scrolling your phone until the blood starts flowing again.
Fortunately, once the HEK starts slashing his way through a drive-in like it’s his personal buffet of basic couples, Heart Eyes remembers what kind of movie it should’ve been all along. There’s some genuinely fun, gory chaos here, and a few moments of dark comedy that actually land. But by that point, we’ve also seen so many bafflingly stupid character decisions—guns dropped, doors left open, hiding literally anywhere else but under the table—that it’s hard not to root for the killer out of sheer frustration.
Seattle itself is oddly magical in this film: bustling and crowded one second, then completely empty the next, like the city flips between realities every time the camera cuts. Spooky? Sure. Convenient for chase scenes? Absolutely.
Josh Ruben, who previously gave us the underappreciated Werewolves Within, wrangles this messy mix into something watchable, but just barely. The kills are creatively brutal, and the final act offers enough blood-splattered Valentine carnage to partially redeem the wishy-washy tone. Still, it’s hard to shake the feeling that Heart Eyes could’ve been so much more if it had picked a lane and stayed in it.
Watch it for the kills. Tolerate the rest. And maybe hold off on announcing your relationship status in public—just in case HEK is still out there.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry… for dropping the gun again.
There are a few streaming options for this one, including Amazon.