My quick rating –Â 4.7/10. River of Blood is a survival horror that paddles into promising territory, then promptly flips the raft and floats downstream into mediocrity. We get four insufferable kayakers who took the absolute wrong turn into a Thai jungle and then continued making bad decisions like it was a team sport. And the jungle itself? Safer than a weekend at a campground. No snakes, no insects, no dehydration, just a few dramatic stares and some very convenient plot developments.
Instead, the real danger here is the cannibal tribe… and by “danger,” I mean a group of dudes in khaki shorts and face paint from Party City. These guys don’t exactly scream “ancient flesh-eating menace” so much as “backstage extras at Coachella who got lost.”
Did I mention the plot? Or rather, the canoe-shaped husk of what could have been a plot. Four people—each one more annoying than the last—decide to kayak into a mysterious jungle. Not for science, not for tourism, but apparently for the sole purpose of bickering and betraying one another like they’re auditioning for a reality show called Survivor: Dumbass Edition. And when things inevitably go south, we’re supposed to be surprised that the tribe (again, looking like a summer camp cosplay group) shows up to turn the group into jungle burgers.
The flick wants to be a suspenseful, blood-soaked descent into primal terror, but let’s be real: these cannibals play with their food more than a toddler with chicken nuggets. There’s no dread, no real tension, just characters stumbling around the jungle like they’re trying to find a cell signal, while the tribe politely gives them time to monologue and fall into rivers.
Ella Starbuck’s Maya is the only character with even a molecule of likability, possibly because she refrains from constant whining or plotting someone else’s demise. The others? It’s honestly a relief when they start getting picked off. I’ve seen mosquito bites with more charm. Also, two motorcyclists show up for reasons unclear, possibly to boost the body count? Nope. They’re just… there like NPCs who wandered into the wrong cutscene.
Now, to the film’s credit: gorgeous cinematography. Seriously. Rungroj Park Rojanachotikul knows what they’re doing. The Thailand backdrops are lush, immersive, and so vibrant they practically upstage the cannibals (which, trust me, isn’t hard). Even the CGI blood splatter isn’t half bad when it shows up—if a little video-gamey.
But the real issue is believability. You’re telling me there’s a known tribe of people-eaters with protected status, and somehow tour groups are still paddling within GPS-wobble range? And the local government is just like, “Oh, don’t mind them, they’re just old-fashioned”? Also, if I’m heading into any jungle, you better believe I’m bringing more than a granola bar and unresolved personal grudges.
Bottom line: River of Blood is a great-looking movie with decent acting, stuck inside a bland and logic-impaired script. It never commits to horror, never shocks, and worst of all, never really entertains. It’s not awful enough to be funny, not scary enough to be chilling, and not gory enough to satisfy your inner Cannibal Holocaust gremlin.
Amazon is one of several streamers carrying this one for ya.