My quick rating – 3.1/10. The sweet sound of the Shudder logo. That’s when you know you’re about to be blessed with another round of “three people find a dusty camera and decide to record their way into stupidity.” House on Eden doesn’t disappoint in that department; it practically sprints face-first into every found-footage cliché like it’s competing for a Guinness World Record in “Most Annoying Handicam Shake.”
The setup is simple: two shrill, grating female characters drag along a mostly silent dude into the woods to investigate a house. Great news, this is apparently the first time any of them have ever held a video camera. Instead of steady shots, we get warp-speed whip-pans like the camera operator is trying to swat invisible flies. If you’ve ever wanted to watch a paranormal investigation conducted by someone having a seizure with a GoPro, congratulations, this movie is your dream come true.
Once they reach the “abandoned” house in the middle of nowhere, I had to laugh. Every window shot screamed “quiet suburb with neighbors just off-camera.” At one point I’m 90% sure I saw porch lights across the way. But hey, don’t let that ruin the “isolation.” And yes, they black out, because why not? DO they try to resolve why it happened, why Jay (Jason-Christopher Mayer) pissed himself, or better yet, get the hell out of there? Nope, ignore it like any other plot point and forget it happened.
Oh, and my favorite bit: the wall-mounted commercial fire extinguisher spotted on the third floor at the 37-minute mark. Nothing screams “haunted ruin” like OSHA-approved safety equipment.
The real joy of House on Eden comes from how closely it resembles that South Park spoof of ghost hunters (Click for scene). Half the dialogue is just variations of “What was that? Did you hear that? Oh my God, something touched me!” All that’s missing is someone wetting themselves on cue. Oh, that’s right, Jay pissed himself. They wander around with what looks like paranormal gear ordered straight off Temu, shouting “evidence” at static and some annoying beeping box. And naturally, they split up, because apparently no horror script is complete without someone saying, “Let’s cover more ground.”
The dialogue? Juvenile. The characters? Irritating. The camera work? Less “authentic” and more “baseball bat assault.” Seriously—no one records their friends by zipping the camera around like they’re filming an action sequence for The Flash. Yet here we are, stomachs churning as the footage spins like a carnival ride.
The ending almost redeems things—almost. There’s a decent little punch in the final two minutes, but it’s like slogging through a landfill to find a shiny soda can. Too little, way too late. And judging by the credits, this vanity project belongs to YouTuber Kristina Collins. To her credit (ha), she is the best part of the film, but that’s like saying she’s the least sticky piece of gum on the theater floor.
Final word? Even if House on Eden had been released 25 years ago, when “ghost hunters with cameras” still felt novel, it would have been a weak entry. Watching it in 2025? It’s an exercise in patience and neck endurance. Shame on me for putting this on my slider—I should’ve known better.
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