My quick rating – 2.5/10. Here we go again. My unhealthy obsession with watching anything even remotely branded “Amityville” continues, fully aware that I’m probably about to eat a cinematic gas-station burrito. Enter Amityville Christmas Vacation, a film that asks the bold question: What if Christmas spirit met actual spirits…and nobody involved had any talent?
Wally (played by writer, director, and lead actor Steven Rudzinski) wins a vacation to sunny Amityville. Because, of course, Amityville has a tourism board now. While there, he meets a woman. A woman who is also a ghost. Naturally. Can the magic of Christmas bring these two opposites together? More importantly, do the filmmakers honestly believe this guy is funny? Oh, wait, Rudzinski is the filmmaker. So yes, yes, he absolutely does.
It gets better. Or worse. Or both. His name is Wally Griswold. Subtlety died screaming. The woman running the contest laughs like a discount asylum escapee, and the ghost love interest looks like someone gently pressed her face into a fireplace and called it makeup. “Ethereal” by way of chimney sweep.
The plot, if I’m being generous, reveals that the woman managing the bed & breakfast lures lonely men during Christmas so the ghost haunting the property can kill them. Solid business model. Unfortunately for her, Wally is so clueless that he doesn’t realize the woman he’s dating is literally dead, and they fall in love instead. This enrages the property manager, who hires a paranormal investigator to capture the ghost…in a dog cage. I am not kidding. A dog cage.
Things escalate when the ghost gets emotionally conflicted and hops onto Zoom with her supernatural guidance counselor to talk through her feelings. Again, not making that up. I wish I were. It’s honestly impressive how many untalented people they managed to assemble in one production. That takes effort. Or at least a group text.
Look, more power to Rudzinski for having a dream and sticking to it, but he seems permanently trapped in the bargain bin of low-budget horror comedy. The budget limitations might not be his fault, but the execution absolutely is. He hasn’t made a decent or even average low-budget film that might attract someone willing to throw real money at him, and this one is downright painful.
The sad part? The idea itself is kind of cute. A Christmas ghost romance with horror elements could work. Strip it down, tighten it up, and give it to people who know what they’re doing, and you might have something. Instead, what we get is a cinematic fruitcake. Overly sweet, poorly mixed, and something you immediately regret accepting (been waiting to use that silly analogy).
The one genuinely good thing? A 47-minute runtime. So technically not a movie—more like an episode of Downton Abbey, except somehow with less class. This feels like what Steve, a cat, a couple of his buddies, and the three women who have permanently friend-zoned him brainstormed over cheap beer and zero self-awareness.
If you’re like me and can’t stop watching Amityville movies no matter how bad they get, congratulations – Amityville Christmas Vacation is another for your checklist. For everyone else, consider this your warning. It barely misses a #turkey because Rudzinski just tries so damn hard, it is almost charming.
