My quick rating – 3.6/10. Abraham’s Boys is proof that you can take a legendary vampire hunter, give him a change of scenery, a couple of moody sons, and still somehow produce a film with the pulse of a fainting goat.
We open with Abraham Van Helsing (Titus Welliver) fleeing Europe after the events of Dracula and relocating to rural California circa 1915. At least, that’s what the wardrobe department says. The costume design nails the early 1900s vibe, but I’m not entirely sold on the idea that this dusty stretch of countryside had the electrical infrastructure of downtown Manhattan. Sure, maybe it’s possible, but so is the existence of vampires, and one of those felt more believable here.
From the get-go, the Shudder logo pops up, a warning sign for anyone who knows it’s a coin flip between “hidden gem” and “nap time.” Unfortunately, this one lands solidly in “nap time,” with fade-outs so abrupt they feel like someone edited out the commercials from a Hallmark rerun.
The setting is intimate — and by “intimate,” I mean the entire movie takes place at the Van Helsing home. Sounds cozy? It’s not. This isn’t the action-packed, monster-bashing Van Helsing you know; it’s more of a “watch some people talk about things that might happen eventually” kind of vibe. In an 89-minute film, nothing noteworthy happens for over an hour, which is a pacing ratio only appreciated by sloths and insomniacs desperate for a cure.
Now, credit where it’s due: the cinematography is gorgeous. If there was an Oscar for “Best Camera Work in a Movie Where Nothing Happens,” this would be a frontrunner. Sadly, stunning visuals can only do so much when the script is thinner than Dracula’s reflection. The story skips right over any buildup of tension between father and sons and leaps straight into “Dad’s nuts.” No subtlety. No wavering loyalties. Just… well, wham, bam, Van Helsing’s a crazy man.
Aurora Perrineau appears briefly as a settler but might as well have been a piece of set dressing for all the impact her character has. The standout, and I use that term generously, is Brady Hepner as Max, the older brother. He at least seemed awake while delivering his lines, which is more than I can say for Titus Welliver’s very American take on a man who’s supposed to be from London.
Bottom line: if you’re streaming this at home, don’t get too comfortable since you’ll be asleep long before anyone so much as flashes a wooden stake.
There are several streamers to choose from, including Amazon.
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