My quick rating – 3.4/10. Armed answers the age-old question no one asked: “What if The Terminator got drunk, passed out in a Cold War storage locker, and woke up during a low-budget marine reunion?” Well, kiddos, the answer is: nothing special!
The plot kicks off when a ragtag group of veteran marines, who spend more time bickering than planning, decide it’s a great idea to steal a shipment of government weapons. Because clearly, nothing says “tactical genius” like poking the Pentagon with a stick. Unfortunately for them (and us), the shipment contains more than dusty ammo and machine guns; it houses a robot that looks like it crawled straight out of Xtro‘s horror closet circa 1982 (around the 1:15 mark). And I don’t mean “retro-chic” cool—I mean “should’ve stayed in the attic” crusty.
The robot is an unstoppable Cold War relic whose only mission is to complete its original directive, which we assume is “kill people while making slow, clunky noises and awkward camera poses.” It lumbers around with the dead-eyed menace of a Roomba with a vendetta, while our protagonists argue over who’s in charge like it’s a bad Thanksgiving dinner with guns.
Action? Minimal. Most of the runtime is spent listening to flat, lifeless dialogue that sounds like it was copy-pasted from a discount military simulator. Every line is delivered with the emotional weight of someone ordering drive-thru, and the only thing lower than the budget is the energy of the cast. There’s a lot of meaningful staring, frustrated shouting, and the occasional heartfelt monologue that feels like it wandered in from a completely different movie. Maybe a soap opera. Or a traffic safety video.
But credit where it’s due: the ending is ballsy. I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say it goes out with a bang, then limps back in with an after-credit scene so shamelessly sequel-baiting, I nearly applauded. Not because I wanted more, but because it took guts to assume anyone would.
If Armed were a weapon, it’d be a jammed BB gun wrapped in duct tape. If it were a robot, it’d be the kind your neighbor built in the garage using parts from a VCR. It tries to be intense, important, and full of gusto, but ends up being a 90-minute argument interrupted by a killer toaster with abandonment issues.
Watch at your own risk—or better yet, arm yourself with booze and friends, and turn it into a bad movie night classic. The unintentional laughs might be worth it.
Would you watch the sequel if they actually make it?
Right now, Justwatch lists Amazon and Apple TV as your only options.