My quick rating – 3.6/10. Buried Alive is one of those movies that feels like three completely different films all got lost in the Arizona desert and accidentally converged inside the same abandoned missile facility. And honestly? That’s probably the most interesting thing about it.
We kick things off with a group of rich, loud, terminally annoying young adults, the type I hope won’t survive the opening credits. Then we cut to a crew of “dangerous criminals” who look like they’re auditioning for a Suncoast Video remake of Sicario. Then there’s a third group pulling some sort of Robin Hood-lite burglary, because why not? It’s like the director Robert Conway put character descriptions in a hat and told everyone to pull until they felt ready to shoot.
Meanwhile, Officer Charlotte Briggs (Brittany Mae) is introduced, arresting a guy so oblivious to the world around him that even the mutants later on would’ve said, “Dude, look alive.” Her timing is impeccable, blissfully unaware of the low-budget shootout erupting nearby. And to be fair, I was willing to let that dollar-menu gunfight slide. But when the “explosion” hit? Oh boy. I haven’t seen a blast that unconvincing since my microwave reheated a cold burrito.
Naturally, the chaos funnels everyone – cops, crooks, influencers, and what I’m pretty sure was an understaffed production crew – straight into an abandoned mine. One of the criminals even states the obvious: “I’ve seen movies like this, and they don’t end well.” King of awareness right there.
And then there is this boulder scene. Watching a group of grown men attempt to lift a “massive rock” that wobbles like a spray-painted inflatable pool toy was genuinely one of the funniest moments of the entire movie. I hope they kept the outtakes.
But wait, the mine suddenly morphs into a Cold War military bunker, because geography and architecture are merely suggestions. That’s when the creatures show up. Credit where it’s due – they wisely kept them hidden for a while. Less because of suspense and more because the longer you mask those dollar store werewolf suits, the better. When they finally appear, it’s like being attacked by rejected mascots from a minor-league hockey team.
Enter the Overseer, a sinister voice trying its hardest to sound menacing while giving off major “guy running a Halloween maze with a $20 PA system” energy. Officer Briggs becomes our last line of defense in this subterranean circus, fighting mutants, bad guys, worse guys, and a script that definitely needed more attention.
By the time the finale rolled around, I had mentally accepted the movie for what it was: a low-budget creature feature that never quite rises above “solid 4.” But in the last few minutes, it delivers a charmingly goofy nod to the alternate ending of Army of Darkness – a reference that maybe 12 people on earth will catch, and I was one of them. For that, I can’t even be mad.
Give it a couple of decades, and you’ll probably see this pop up on whatever the 2045 equivalent of Svengoolie is. And honestly? That feels exactly where it belongs.
