My quick rating – 3.6/10. So, I finally took the plunge into the 74-minute whirlpool of nonsense that is Shiver Me Timbers, mostly because I saw the runtime and figured, “How bad could it be?” The answer? Pretty bad—but at least it was weird bad, which counts for something, I guess. That is what led me to rate it just behind Popeye the Slayer Man but not quite as bad as Popeye’s Revenge.
Right out the gate, we’re hit with a baffling warning about “real murders” and some kind of comet-related cosmic nonsense, trying to root this slice of public domain piracy in real-world terror. Not sure who thought invoking Haley’s Comet would ground this goof-fest in reality, but it does provide the movie’s excuse for its meteor-wrought mayhem. Except… the director seems to think Haley’s Comet is the same thing as the Perseids meteor shower, so science was clearly not invited to the writer’s room.
Now, to the juicy stuff—or rather, the CGI blood that spurts like a broken ketchup packet in a fan. We’re talking decapitated heads that not only talk post-beheading but also apparently defy the laws of physics, landing 20 yards away only to teleport right next to the killer in the next shot like it’s a game of Dead by Daylight. There’s also the magical toxic waste barrels just chilling at a random campsite like it’s a Troma movie set.
And oh boy, the old man who mid-scene turns into a budget Popeye? Absolutely no explanation, silly transformation scene—just straight-up eye squint and mumbling before murder time. That’s the kind of commitment to confusion this movie has. Throw in a completely pointless five-minute dance break (yes, five minutes—we’re on a short film budget but had time for this?), and you start to wonder if this was a college film project gone rogue.
As for the kills—sure, we get them. They exist. They’re as arbitrary as the characters’ decisions to split up Scooby-Doo style, with about the same level of strategic planning. But don’t look for logic here. One kill features the world’s largest spinning saw blade, because why not? This is a film where logic was kicked off the plank somewhere around minute ten.
The cherry on top? It ends with a painfully forced “Groovy” that tries to pay homage to Evil Dead—and I cannot stress this enough—how dare they. This movie isn’t even in the same GALAXY as Raimi’s classic. It’s like finding a moldy sandwich and calling it a tribute to gourmet cuisine.
In the end, Shiver Me Timbers is a baffling, blood-soaked cash grab stitched together with bad CGI, worse logic, and a total disrespect for continuity. It’s dumb. It knows it’s dumb. But hey, it’s 74 minutes—you’ve wasted more time on worse. Maybe, and PLEASE be the last Popeye slasher for a while.
Amazon is one of a few streamers you can view this flick on.