My quick rating – 4.3/10. Touch Me kicks off with Joey recounting her alien hookup to a therapist in the most matter-of-fact tone imaginable, like she’s explaining a mild parking dispute instead of intergalactic intimacy. Honestly, if you’re casually dropping “I slept with an alien at a bar,” therapy isn’t a red flag. It’s overdue. Ten minutes later, our extraterrestrial rendezvous wrap-up hits the credits, and Touch Me slaps its title onscreen as if announcing, “Okay, NOW the weird stuff starts.”
From there, we drift into the classic young-adult tragedy – discovering that rent, roofs, and food all cost money. Joey and Craig, played with just the right amount of co-dependency by Olivia Taylor Dudley and Jordan Gavaris, quickly find themselves near homeless, jobless, and clearly not thriving. Enter Brian, Joey’s mysteriously charming ex, who looks like he floats instead of walks and talks like he meditates for a living. Lou Taylor Pucci plays him with the exact level of otherworldly energy that says “I can heal your heart” and “I might also devour you” in the same breath.
Brian claims he can erase anxiety with a touch. Big promise, suspicious vibes. But Joey and Craig accept his weekend invitation to a secluded compound because nobody in horror has ever regretted that phrase. Brian also demonstrates his cosmic vulnerability. He’s deathly allergic to lemonade. Yep. A splash of citrus and the man collapses for a full five seconds. If that’s supposed to make me feel safe, it does the opposite. Imagine depending on someone whose kryptonite is an Olive Garden free sample.
And because this is Touch Me, we get TikTok dances too. Brian’s version of “meditation,” apparently. I’m convinced aliens have a dictionary of Earth words and only bother reading every fourth page. The film also throws in some wild color filters, blue, purple, cosmic neon, especially during what can only be described as “live hentai energy” scenes. After Brian gets intimate with both Joey and Craig (if that’s the correct term for what’s happening), the two immediately go feral for more alien tentacle love nectar. Ah yes, the universal problem of relationships. Competing for your partner’s addictive extraterrestrial fluids.
Once the sci-fi chaos kicks in, Touch Me actually delivers some clever and fun practical effects. The tone does snap between dark humor and serious drama with the enthusiasm of a toddler flipping light switches, but when the movie leans fully into its weirdness, it works. The final alien reveal… well, let’s just say the budget was doing its best. And remember that citrus poison? Continuity takes a hit since now it is OVERLY effective.
.Writer/director Addison Heimann definitely created something unique with Touch Me. Just not something especially thrilling. Still, the ending lands about where you’d expect, and there’s enough oddball charm, bizarre sex, and creative gore to make the trip slightly worthwhile, even if you can’t take any of it seriously.
