My quick rating – 4.1/10. I am not entirely sure if they were being serious or not with this indie flick. Portal in the Pines is that kind of film where you just know it started with a whiteboard, several coffees, and some person shouting, “How about we just add a little bit more?” C’mon, guys, pick a lane.
The film opens in 1985 at a military base where some top-secret testing goes spectacularly wrong. Not the cool, calculated “this was part of the plan” kind of wrong either. More of the “whoops, we may have just ripped a hole in reality” kind. It’s a fun setup, helped by the local shock jock intro that gives the whole thing a slightly campy, late-night paranormal radio vibe. Right away, Portal in the Pines promises aliens, government secrets, satanic rituals, and possibly hell itself. Ambitious? Absolutely. Focused? Not even a little.
Once we jump to the present, the story follows rural fireman Jessie, played by Garrett Kruithof, who stumbles into the kind of situation most firefighters probably aren’t trained for – a secret particle collider opening a portal to hell in the woods. Somewhere between Stranger Things, a late-night Syfy Channel entry, and a supernatural conspiracy podcast, the movie keeps tossing new ideas at the wall to see what sticks. Aliens? Sure. Other dimensions? Why not. Spiritual warfare? Toss it in. At times, it genuinely feels like writer-director Eric Gibson had five different movie pitches and decided the best solution was to combine all of them into one blender.
All things considered, Portal in the Pines stands out as an impressive work for its budget. There are good performances throughout the film, and even when the story becomes a bit confusing in terms of “what movie are we watching,” it remains engaging enough to keep watching. Kruithof does a decent job juggling the madness, which is no small task when the film keeps changing lanes every ten minutes.
Ashton Leigh’s Ashley, Jessie’s ex-wife, is written to be aggressively frustrating, and mission accomplished there. She’s the kind of character who makes you want to yell at the screen, so credit where it’s due. On the brighter side, Jamie Kennedy as Herby brings some much-needed comic relief and actually fits surprisingly well into all the alien encounter nonsense. His scenes are easily among the most entertaining in the film. Sierra DeRose’s Evelyn also leaves a good impression, especially given her connection to the opening disaster, though it definitely feels like the movie could have used more of her.
The effects are fair for the budget and do enough to sell the more bizarre moments. But where Portal in the Pines really stumbles is the finale. After spending so much time building toward stopping the satanists from opening the gates of hell, the final confrontation is so silly it borders on parody. Then, just when you expect some kind of payoff, the ending takes the cheapest and laziest possible exit route.
Still, despite being all over the place, Portal in the Pines is semi-watchable in that oddly entertaining “I can’t believe they went there” kind of way. It’s messy and overloaded with ridiculous tropes, but at least it never dies of boredom.
